From the outset my intention was that this blog discusses some of the issues that can only be faced by women; miscarriage, still birth and termination. I have had two phases in my life that can be considered as breakdowns; one after my final miscarriage and one 18 months ago which was as a result of work related stress but probably not helped by the menopause.
I am embarrassed to say that I have been subject to all three; miscarriage, still birth and termination. Whilst men are undoubtedly affected by these things they cannot feel them viscerally in the way that a woman can and certainly they do not endure the hormonal disruption that occurs as a result of these things.
It is the termination that I am always deeply embarrassed by. I often feel that all that followed, one still birth and at least 7 miscarriages are my punishment for the termination. I absolutely believe in a woman’s right to choose; and there are certainly instances in which I can understand that someone would not want a pregnancy to continue. I didn’t find myself in any of those situations. Instead at 22, no longer living at home, as a result of bullying and coercive behaviour by one parent and abstention and non-intervention by the other; I found myself having a termination. I don’t think that I have ever got over that and I certainly don’t think that it was the right thing for me to do.
My next pregnancy went to 24 weeks. Now to some people this is a late miscarriage however having been through the process I would suggest that it is very different. I went into labour, contractions and so forth and gave birth to a fully formed baby boy – Oliver. He has a grave. I am aware that less than 24 hours before he was born he was alive and well. I suffered a cord prolapse that cut off his oxygen supply and led to labour.
After Oliver were at least another two miscarriages. Miraculously I got together with my, now, husband, got pregnant and carried a baby to term. I am not going to pretend that it was an easy pregnancy it wasn’t. I bled through much of it, so spent my time thinking that I was losing him. I had to have a cervical suture to keep him in place. And if anyone tells you that these are painless, please don’t believe them. If the baby moves downwards it presses on your cervix and pain shoots through it. However after a difficult pregnancy and a difficult birth in which it was necessary for the medics to perform an emergency episiotomy to get him out, during which they stitched a swab into me, he was alive and well. (The swab is a whole other story for another day.) My next pregnancy was again successful; though again a cervical suture was again necessary. Towards the end of the pregnancy the suture is removed so that it cannot tear. Suddenly I was warned about a cord prolapse. Having lost Oliver that way I went into the hospital and refused to move. Thankfully I went into labour that night and he was born safely and without any added trauma.
After this followed four miscarriages. Often I suffered what are known as missed miscarriages. Apparently statistically 1 in 6 pregnancies fail and the woman often doesn’t know that she was pregnant. At 6 weeks there is an important stage in the growth of the foetus when the heart develops. If this does not occur; what normally follows is a miscarriage which is really little different from a period. However if you have a missed miscarriage the foetus fails to develop but the placenta does; so the effect is that you are running with the hormones associated with pregnancy. My following 4 miscarriages were of this type and resulted in me have to have an ERPC (evacuation of retained products of conception) each time, which is done under a general anaesthetic.
So my reason for writing this is not in order to gain sympathy; but in order to provoke a conversation about a subject that is generally considered to be taboo. I am not suggesting that at the next dinner party you attend that it is something that you will want to discuss however it is something that we need to be able to talk about and particularly how it impacts on our mental health and well-being. I am aware that Tommy’s https://www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/types-miscarriage have been doing some good work recently. However this appears to be aimed at those who are still trying to get pregnant. For some of us the loss of those babies continues to haunt us quietly through the whole of our lives. I would like to see it being considered ok to discuss these losses and how it impacts our whole lives. Do let me know what you think.
Tales from the Sheshed France 
Nobody knows your hurt and your feelings of loss unless you speak up in one way or another. I myself found it very difficult to talk about my miscarriages. Looking back, I think I felt ashamed somehow. Certainly I didn’t want to talk about it very much because I feared that i would just collapse in tears – and I didn’t want that to happen, e.g. in front of my colleagues. However, much later I talked about with one of my younger colleagues, and she was impressed that I was able to do that. For me, having two lovely daughters made all the difference. Later, this colleague also miscarried, and I was struck with her openness about it. We all shared in her grief, and when she came back to work, she would talk about it, and cry, blow her nose and got some work done. Truly impressive how she was able to allow her grief to be part of her everyday life, for as long as was necessary.
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I think that it is beginning to be acceptable to discuss this, thank goodness. However I certainly felt slightly ashamed and certainly that it wasn’t a topic of conversation for polite company. I think we were expected to hide this from the world encase we caused distress to others.
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I don’t know why you would be embarrassed Zenna but I accept that this is how you feel.
It’s very easy for people to be judgemental (as they often are) but nobody ever walks in your shoes! They don’t have your experiences, and they don’t have any right to judge!
I do recognise however that we often judge ourselves. This ‘judgement of self’ (I had an abortion and therefore deserved punishment) is something we learn at a very early age – it’s called guilt! Guilt is used to gaslight us; bribe us into sex; keep us in harmful relationships etc
Add into that mix the terrible loss of a child we are carrying – not just once in your case – plus the cumulative physical impact each time we conceive – the logical outcome is our mental (and physical) health suffer.
I don’t actually believe in the separation of the mental and physical – they both exist housed in the same body and I think the physical and mental interact and present as illness which we then label as physical or mental.
On that basis, the collapse of our health after physical trauma such as termination, miscarriage and stillbirth profoundly impact on our emotional and mental well-being BUT we label that a ‘breakdown’ as our bodies simply give up and we can no longer function as we usually do.
Similarly, the changes we go through in both puberty and menopause affect our whole selves in physical, emotional and mental well-being. Some of us sail through, for others it’s more difficult – just like any major bodily change (eg: our immune responses to Covid/ to vaccines etc).
I realise that medics separate out the various bodily functions into specialisms – but we don’t have to do that ourselves – we are whole human beings free of internal separation of the systems that keep us human. Our personal experiences are carried within us and become part of our well-being/ill-health.
I also lost a baby (mine at 26 weeks). Some years before you! At the time scans didn’t happen and you didn’t know the sex of the baby you carried My relationship with the baby I was carrying (Sam: because I needed a non-gendered name to talk with my child) was as real as any other relationship I had. I carried my child within my body and loved (her as it turned out) without boundaries. When I went into labour suddenly at 26 weeks and gave birth to a child the medics called ‘non-viable’ – I had labour pains, I produced milk, and they just took her away and ‘disposed’ of her. That’s the way they did things I was told my ‘miscarriage’ was probably due to a long internal scar (due to a previous caesarean) which had acted like a coil to ‘abort’ the baby and that I was unlikely to carry to full term ever. Like you Zenna I chose to try anyway. I hid that pregnancy for five months because I couldn’t face talking about loss again – I did expect to lose the baby – to my great joy I didn’t and I gave birth to Jill Medics were enraged and called me neglectful for ‘failing’ to seek medical advice during that time and implied if I lost her I would be guilty! It was the only way I could keep sane Zenna – to protect my body, my child and my mental well-being. We all cope differently but I definitely looked into the abyss several times and without James to care for I probably would have tipped over an edge!
A final word: I’m sorry you had ‘breakdown’ more recently too! I didn’t know you had but I’m not surprised. When we worked together I consistently told you you needed to slow down and do less (advice of one workaholic to another) 🤣. On these blogs I’ve repeated the advice (as I hope you know, I think advice is there to be considered and if inappropriate, rejected). I think you were plain exhausted my friend! You literally worked yourself into the ground!
You and Chris have been brave … moving country, setting up a new business, leaving your beautiful lads behind – not a move for cowards or lazy people! I really do hope you will both find the time and space for relaxation, pleasure and guilt-free joy as well as your customary hard-work
In love and friendship Sue 🤗🤗🤗
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Thank you so much for your response. I think that you are right about the relationship between mind and body. I only knew Oliver was a boy after he was born. I can’t remember whether I had any scans. Isn’t that strange. I think we hold on to what we can cope with and let go of the rest. And yes we are nothing like as driven here as we were in the UK. And yes I was exhausted, I cannot talk about my previous life I end up a jittery mess. xxx
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No need to talk about it – but in time I hope you look back and realise you put enough in for two lifetimes!
Glad to hear you are both taking it a little easier – perhaps you might both go from 200% to a healthier 80% 🤗😘🤗
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Thank you xx
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It’s good to get things out there and talked about. In some respect by not talking about these issues we are continuing the ring of secrecy and taboo about these subjects.
Everyone’s experience of the same event will be different and however each one of us feels about these issues it is real and as valid as another persons experience.
I also have had many, many miscarriages, some early and some around 16 weeks. All were at home, privately. I too has a termination at 21 weeks due to a rare genetic disorder that meant the baby was incompatible with life. I was sent up to Kings College as it was rare and readily agreed for medical students to come and see the scan and be taught. I went into Treliske for the termination and discharged myself after 3 hours recovery as absolutely nobody other than fellow women cared for me. I figured I was safer at home with Dean looking after me. I agreed willingly for skin cells to be sent to Bristol for research and never wanted to know the sex of the baby. I never named it. I have absolutely no regrets for the decision I made to this day. It was my own personal experience and I did what I thought and still feel was right for me.
I find that it’s the views of others that really test me. I am very open about it. I’m not guarded about it at all and strongly support a woman’s right to choose as to weather she has a baby or not. It is not even open for discussion with me. I do however find that almost everyone who is in some way against this comes at things from a religious bias. Often they are not even aware of it, but when I question them deeper the religious doctrinarion rears its head. I had a woman who was a ” friend ” of mine actually call me a child murderer and another ” friend” who was an x magistrate in Tavistock say that it was me who should have been terminated. They in some way feel that it is OK to hold views like those and speak them freely ! I absolutely do not give one jot what other people think and I often say that if you have never actually in real life faced that situation then it would be better to listen than to comment. I make no allowance for prejudice whatsoever.
Zenna, you are the sum of the experiences you have lived so far and a richer and more beautiful woman for them. We all feel smashed and beaten sometimes and yet we still go on. Over the next part of your life you will experience so many more things that will all add to the cocktail of who you are. The world is a better and more wonderful place for people like you. Be brave and live your life according to your own rules. Acknowledge all those life changing things and heartbreaks you have had and carry them with you. The more chips a crystal has the more it sparkles in the sunlight. Hugs and love. Xxx
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Yes you are right that by not talking we are adding to the shroud of mystery. I think our generation was almost allowed to feel but not to speak. You are right that our multiple experiences shape who we are and who we become. I hope that women are enabled to discuss their experiences and they impact their lives xx
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